Pause

The decision to take a break from the daily grind of life is often not self chosen. It is thrust upon us without any agency on our part. While the saying, “slow down and smell the roses” seems to be a wise reminder to enjoy life, that is not always a conscious decision. Being on pause happens often without warning, when the rug is pulled out from beneath you in the fraction of a second. That moment appeared unexpectedly in mid Dec when my heartbeat, my only child was cooped up in a small, bathroom with a friend, hiding from an active shooter on the university campus. The phone call stopped me in my tracks and life flashed by in front of my eyes. The “what if” fear was front and center in my brain, occasionally migrating to the back of my head as time passed, albeit so very slowly. The terror that emanates from the possibility of losing one’s child is trauma that is too deeply embedded to put into words. The ten hours on the phone texting with her seemed like an eternity and that imposed pause reminded me of what I valued most in life: the wellbeing, safety and happiness of my child. I engaged in stupid, mental trade offs with the Almighty, take me and spare her. While I know these rarefied, life or death situations don’t allow human agency, that’s how a parent tries to deal with such kind of primal fear. The forced slowing down reconfirmed how little is in our control. The infinite gratitude at the outcome that our child was safe didn’t erase the unbearable sadness of the reality that such an outcome is not guaranteed to all parents. How they deal with such pain and come to grips with the new reality is something I can’t fathom.